Fear of Flying
There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.
Getting Ready For a Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump."Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
The Usher
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
You Fool
A pastor was opening his mail one morning and one envelope had only a single sheet of paper with a single word printed on it: FOOL! The following Sunday the pastor announced, I have known many people who have written letters and forgotten to sign their name. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.
Exercise for People over 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
A Prayer for the Day
Dear God, so far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.
Ready, Aim...
A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land. First the bishop is brought out. They put a blindfold on the bishop and the guard says, "Ready, aim. " when suddenly the bishop yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off. Next they bring out the priest. The guard again shouts, "Ready, aim., when suddenly the priest yells, "TORNADO!" When everyone ducks, the priest runs off. By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, "Ready, aim," suddenly the deacon yells, "FIRE!"
True Story about Billy Graham
In January 2000, leaders in Charlotte, North Carolina, invited their favorite son, Billy Graham, to a luncheon in his honor. Billy initially hesitated to accept the invitation because he struggles with Parkinson's disease. But the Charlotte leaders said, 'We don't expect a major address. Just come and let us honor you.' So he agreed. After wonderful things were said about him, Dr. Graham stepped to the rostrum, looked at the crowd, and said, 'I'm reminded today of Albert Einstein, the great physicist who this month has been honored by Time magazine as the Man of the Century. Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'' Having said that Billy Graham continued, 'See the suit I'm wearing? It's a brand new suit. My children, and my grandchildren are telling me I've gotten a little slovenly in my old age. I used to be a bit more fastidious. So I went out and bought a new suit for this luncheon and one more occasion. You know what that occasion is? This is the suit in which I'll be buried. But when you hear I'm dead, I don't want you to immediately remember the suit I'm wearing. I want you to remember this: I not only know who I am, I also know where I'm going.'
Cookies!
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and down the hall. With even greater effort he forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen counter were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was he in heaven or was this simply one final act of devoted love from his beloved wife? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the counter, landing on his knees. He could almost taste one of the delicious cookies melting in his mouth. As he stretched out his, aged, withered trembling hand toward the closest cookie, "smack" it was hit with a spatula. In his pain he heard his wife say, "Stay out of those,they're for the funeral!"
Ecumenical Greenbacks
My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens, twenties, and fifties.
Looking Good
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Sally, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
Fun Questions and Answers
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
The Evangelizing Barber
There was a barber who paid close attention at his parish whenever the topic of evangelization was discussed. He thought he should be doing more to share his faith with his customers. The next morning the barber told the Lord in prayer, "Today I'm going to witness to the first customer who walks through my door." A man came in as he opened his shop and said, "I need a shave." The barber said, "Yes sir! Just have a seat and I'll be right with you." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick prayer saying, "Lord, the first customer just came in and I'm going to witness to him. Give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say. Amen." Then the barber came out with his straight razor in one hand and a Bible in the other and told his customer, "I have a question for you: Are you ready to meet your Maker?"
Sister Mary Ann
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his gardening tools.
3. The Scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
Walking on Water
One day a pastor and a brother took a visitor fishing on a boat. Once in the middle of the lake, the pastor said “I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back.” and to the visitor’s amazement, stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore. When he had returned, the brother said “I need to use the restroom, be right back.” Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said “I need to use the restroom too.” As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank. The pastor nudged the brother and said “We should have told him where the rocks were!”
The Oil Find
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
Moses on His Walkie Talkie
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
The Dead Church
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said. Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church. Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
Recently Spotted Bumper Stickers:
"I'm pretty sure God prefers spiritual fruit to religious nuts."
"Lord, walk beside me with your arm on my shoulder and your hand over my mouth."
"CAUTION: Non-exposure to the Son will cause severe burning!"
"God doesn't want shares of your life; he wants controlling interest!"
The Israeli Archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
The Sin
Two elderly women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Don't Go Too Far
Two men were adrift in an open boat, and it looked bad for them. Finally one of them, frightened, began to pray.
"O Lord," he prayed, "I've broken most of thy commandments. I've been a hard drinker, but if my life is spared now I'll promise never again..."
"Wait a minute, Jack," said his friend. "Don't go too far. I think I see a sail."
At the Funeral Home
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Thank God for...
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. I have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
Working Out
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Real Church Signs
- Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
- If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
- If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
- Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
Authorized Personnel Only
A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a liberal church that was known for its rather "uppity" social reputation. Spotting the man's dirty clothes, the ushers stopped him outside the church door and asked if he needed help. The man told them, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The ushers suggested that the man go away and pray some more and me might get a different answer.
The following Sunday the man returned and the ushers again stopped him at the door. "Well, did you get a different answer?" they asked him.
"Yes, I did," said the man. "I told the Lord that you don't want me here, but the Lord said, 'Keep trying, son. I've been trying to get into that church for years and I haven't made it yet either."
If Noah Built an Ark in 2009
And lo, in the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Long-Distance Calls
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor. Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."
No One to Forgive
While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members-except one-raised their hands.
"Mrs. Jones," asked the minster, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." Replied the elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how it is that you don't have a single enemy in the world?" Mrs. Jones made her way to the front of the church, looked squarely at the crowd, and briefly explained, "Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them."
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Hot Horseradish
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."
Anybody Need a Drink?
A minister was completing a sermon on the evils of alcohol. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."
Good Eulogy
The pastor asks his flock, "What would you like people to say when you're in your casket?"
One congregant says, "I'd like them to say I was a fine family man."
Another says, "I'd like them to say I helped people."
The third responds, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! I think he's moving!' "
Valentine's Day Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Snow Days
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. One day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with that man."
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him, and that's what I did."
Her friend was amazed, "You mean to tell me you put all his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Silly Teacher
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.
Millie: I is
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
WD40, Duct Tape or a Nail ?
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, 'Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.'
'Okay,' the man says, 'I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.'
'That's wonderful,' says St. Peter, 'That's worth two points!'
'Two points? That's it?' exclaims the man. 'Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.'
'Terrific!' says St. Peter.. 'That's certainly worth a point.'
'One point??!!... Well, I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.'
'Fantastic, that's good for two more points,' replies St. Peter.
'Two points?!' Exasperated, the man cries out. 'At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God.'
'That's the answer I've been looking for. It's worth 100 points! Come on in!' says St. Peter.
(We often try to fix problems with WD-40 and duct tape. God did it with a nail.)
The Badge
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... Your badge! Show him your badge!'
A Dollar for Sunday School
A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.
"I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me," he said."But that dollar was for Sunday School," his mother replied.
Smiling, the boy said, "I know, Mom, but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!"
Quiet in Church!
A Sunday school teacher was taking her children to the church service and asked them, "Why is it that we must be quiet in church?" One little boy replied, "Because people are sleeping.
Absence and Fondness
"If absence makes the heart grow fonder," said a minister, "a lot of folks must really love our church."
Stand Up!
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon and finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off. The pastor had been watching him and was rather disgusted by the man's apparent hangover. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of of the man. The pastor said to the congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood up except, of course, the sleeping man. After everyone had sat back down, the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!" The weary man catching only the last part of the pastor's words groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he said to the pastor, "I don't know what we're voting on, pastor, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
A Child's Prayer
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. She prayed "...and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from e-mail... Amen."
The Preacher and the Lawnmower
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya!"
Quilt Lessons
One Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared; you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea, and the mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lessons had been about. He said, "Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming."
GIVING - Good news, bad news...
A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it's still in your pockets."
E-MAIL FROM ...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. SO, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read : To: My Loving Wife... Subject: I've Arrived... Date: February 26, 2009... I know you're surprised to hear from me.They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
WEDDING DAY
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
LORD, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LATE
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
BOYS AND FATHERS
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad s scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
MEMORIAL REQUEST
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
ASK A POLICEMAN
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
HOW ADAM GOT HIS WIFE
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
WHO IS THE DEVIL?
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
WEDDING POEM
"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."
Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.
When I stand by the altar
The groom must not falter."
"Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, altar, hymn." - Gill Krebs
BIBLES - Selling Bibles
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Eager to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul the minister then said, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many bibles as we did."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied , "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy
th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like
m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
HONESTY - Too Much Change
Several years ago, a preacher accepted a call to a church near Houston, Texas. Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a dollar too much in change. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the dollar back. It would be wrong to keep it.' Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a dollar. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from God' and keep quiet.' When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the dollar to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change.' The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town?' 'Yes,' he replied. 'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you at church on Sunday.' When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a dollar.'
Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. We might be surprised if we knew how much people watch us as Christians, and will put us to the test! Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself 'Christian.'
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
CHURCH - What to Wear to Church
One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the other moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. Later, as the old cowboy was leaving the church, the minister approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a little talk with God an ask him what he things would be a more appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would do that. The next Sunday, the old cowboy showed back up for the services, wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots hat, and carrying the much worn Bible. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. After the service, the preacher approached the old cowboy and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."
"I did," replied the old cowboy.
"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the minister.
"Well, sir, God told me he didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church."
MARRIAGE - The Older Couple
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
THE "ANSWER BACK" CHURCH - Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies. One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk." Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!" Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts. The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!" The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
VEGETATIVE STATE - A man was sitting in the living room in his recliner. He and his wife had just finished watching a news report about people who live a long time in a coma. As the report ended, he turned to his wife and said: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So, his wife got up and unplugged the television!!
ARE YOU STUPID? - A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
WHO SAYS TODAY'S KIDS AREN'T SMART ? (Some of them are!) - I wish I'd thought of this... At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
Pregnant Lady - The Cure
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. Upon hearing the news the woman burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room. The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!"
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, "Well, does she still have the hiccups?"
The Elevator - An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver Walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very unattractive older woman moved up to the moving Walls and pressed a button. The Walls opened, and the lady stepped between them into a small room. The Walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the Walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the Walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
God's Existence - Marine and Atheist
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform, I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and decked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you?" "Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot, so He sent me."
Finances - Two men on desert island - There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!" The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. The first man once again proclaimed, "Don't you understand? We're going to die!" The second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000.00 a week." The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000.00 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000.00 a week. My pastor will find me!
Robber - Acts 2:38 - An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church Services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name Of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven). The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Soon the police arrived at the house. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"
The Bath Tub Test - During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Getting into Heaven - (Thank you to Steve B. for sending this one in) - A man dies and St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "Thats certainly worth a point."
"One point!?!!" The man gulps. "I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!?!! "Exasperated, the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
"Bingo, 100 points!" Says St Peter. "Come on in!"
The Job! - A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner listened to the following conversation. The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?" The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn." "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The druggist, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude, I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job." The little boy replied, "No thanks. I was just checking on the job I already have!"
The Haircut - A young boy had just gotten his Driver's Permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Worms - A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead . Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Good Deeds - A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off . Or I'll pound you to a pulp!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
Baptism - After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic. "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she asks as she shook the older boy in anger. "We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him ....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."
Tomato Garden - An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to planet a tomato garden, but it was difficult work, and his only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man described the predicament in a letter to his son.
"Dear Vincent, I'm feeling bad. It looks like I won't be able to put in my tomatoes this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden. I wish you were here to dig it for me." Love dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear dad, so I am not there to help, but whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES."
Love, Vincent
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
"Dear dad, go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances."
Love, Vinny.
Creation or Evolution - God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what You did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell Me ..." replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take plain dirt and form it into the likeness of You, and breath life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's very interesting ... show Me, " says God.
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.
"No, no, no ..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."
The Most Famous Man - (Before reading this joke, you need to know that someone from Jews for Jesus thought it was very funny. They did not take offense) - A school teacher was talking to her class one day and offered $5 to the person who could rightly name the most famous person who ever lived. One little boy shot his hand up and the teacher called on him. He then said, "I think the most famous person who ever lived was George Washington." The teacher replied, "Billy, that is a good guess, but it is incorrect. George Washington was very famous but he is mostly known only in our country." The teacher then called on Sally. Sally said, "I think the most famous person who ever lived was Mother Teresa." The teacher thanked Sally for her answer but again said, "Even though Mother Teresa was very famous, she was not the most famous person." Little Irving's hand then shot up and the teacher called on him. Irving then said, "Without a doubt, the most famous person in the world was Jesus Christ." The teacher commended Irving by saying, "You're right, Irving. Jesus Christ was the most famous person. But Irving, let my ask you, why would you, a Jewish boy, say that Jesus was the most famous person when your people reject Him." Without hesitating, Irving said, "Well teacher, business is business."
Two Jewish Mothers - Two young Jewish mothers were sitting in the park together. As they began to talk, the first said, "Oi," in a very concerned tone. The second then replied, "Oi," in an equally concerned tone. The first then replied, "I thought we said we weren't going to talk about our children anymore.
Shoplifting - An elderly woman was caught shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She relplied, "A can of peaches." He then asked, "Why did you steal it?" She retorted, "Because I was hungry." He proceeded, "How many peaches did you eat?" "Six," came her reply. After the judge thought it over for a minute he told the woman, "I am sentencing you to six days in jail. One for each peach." At this point her husband asked if he could make a statement. The judge agreed. The man then said, "Your honor, you need to know that my wife also stole a can of peas and ate the whole thing."
Rescued - A Baptist was on a cruise ship when he accidentally fell overboard and floated for days on a log before landing on a desserted island where he remained alone for 20 years. When he was finally rescued, one of the crew asked the man, "What are the three buildings on the desserted island?" The man replied, "One building is the house where I lived alone for 20 years. One building is the church where I attend. The third building is the church I used to attend."
Giving - The pastor of a church made the following statement before the offering was taken one Sunday morning, "Remember, the Lord loves a cheerful giver. And He likes the rest of you as well..."
Waking Up for Church - One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, ...and (2) you're the pastor!"
The Picnic - A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
The Usher - An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
Show and Tell - A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Best Way To Pray - A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
The Twenty and the One - A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country: "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "Where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner - The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom just this morning, . . .'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
Teaching Children to Work - In an attempt to teach their children the importance of work, one father and mother told their young teenage son that he needed to do a better job cleaning up his room. In frustration, his mom finally said, "Billy, if I have to come into your room and pick up your clothes I am going to charge you 50 cents per visit." At the end of the first week, Billy's mom sent him an envelope with a bill for $2.00. Billy promptly sent the envelope back and enclosed $2.50 cents with a note saying, "Hi Mom, here's the $2.00 with a 50 cent tip. You are doing a great job. Keep up the good work!"
Three Million or Three Kids - One day two men were talking and one said to the other, "I understand you have three children." "Yes," replied the other man, "I do have three children." The first man then asked, "Are you happy about that? Wouldn't you rather have three million dollars?" "No." replied the second man, I would rather have the three kids. "Why?" asked the first man. The second man thought for a moment and said, "I would rather have three children, because if I had three million dollars I would still want more, but with three kids, I am totally satisfied."
Atheist Holiday - In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the prepartaion for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination against atheists in regard to holidays. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless, and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who, after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!" The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Chrsitians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances, and the Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Sure they have a holiday. It comes each year on exactly the same day - April 1st."
Don't Steal My Car - An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get our of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran for their lives. The lady, somehwat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back seat of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken she couldn't get the key into the ignition. She tried and tr4ie, and then it dawned on her - it wasn't her car. After finding her car four or five spaces farther down, she loaded her bags in the correct car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four men were reporting a car-jacking by a crazed, elderly woman with a gun...
Marriage Bliss - A marriage counselor had been meeting with a couple for several weeks but things hadn't been going well. Finally, in one of the verbal exchanges the wife called her husband "Hon". The counselor astutely picked up on her word and said to the woman, "There is certainly still hope for this relationship because I heard you call your husband 'Hon'." The woman glared at the counselor and said, "When I said, 'Hon', I meant Atilla the Hun."
The Secret to Longevity - A man who was 97 years old was interviewed by a reporter who asked him what his secret was to long life. The elderly man said, "Well, I take good care of my body, eat right, and exercise, but I think the number one thing that has helped me live so long is that I never argue." The reporter replied, "You mean to say you've never argued even once in your life." The elderly gentlemen said, "No, I never have." The reporter became a little aggressive and pressed the older man by saying, "I find that hard to believe that you have never argued even once. Everyone argues once in awhile." Sensing an arguement about to start, the old man replied to the reporter, "Well, maybe you're right."
Praying at Mealtime - Two young boys were talking one day about what they did at meal time. One boy said, "At my house we always pray before meals. Sometimes my dad prays, sometimes I pray, and sometimes my mom prays. It's pretty special." The other boy then replied, "We never pray before meals at my house." The first boy then asked his friend why his family never prayed before meals? The second boy responded, "We don't need to pray. My Mom is a good cook."
Paying at Church - A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."
How Many Women? - A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
Call to Ministry - After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Motivated to Give - A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
A Christian Home - After the dedication ceremony of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That minister said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"
Helping Kids be Quiet in Church - Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."
Did God Make You? - A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't He?"
Football Sunday - By the time my friend Dave arrived at the football game the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" I asked.
Dave explained, "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?" I said.
"Well," said Dave, "I had to toss it 14 times!"
